Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Your questions answered

Please use this post to submit any ideas for areas you would like me to cover. Remember, you can post anonymously if you wish.


Anonymous Ruther Kevinford said...

This is all very well and interesting, but how can I use this to maximise my consultancy fees whilst still doing nothing other than sitting at my laptop and reporting back to the MD at regular intervals?

Should I spend more time pandering to the junior programmer who's been put into the team leader role because no-one else wanted it? Should I get more people moved out of the team?

12:54 PM  
Anonymous John "Tamagochi Hiroshima" Smith said...

OK, you've convinced me that becoming an Agile ninja dojo gaijin sensei anjin eta consultant is a good way of increasing my income without having to do any actual work for all the wads of cash. But there's three important questions I'd appreciate answering, please?

1) How do I persuade management that there's been gains in productivity when all evidence points to the contrary?

2) How do I stop myself from being sacked once management realise that I've been pulling the wool over their eyes for a year?

3) Should I change my name to something that sounds Japanese in order to persuade people that I know what all these Japanese terms actually mean?

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Ann Unpronouncable-Surname said...

Howdy! As an overpaid consultant, I've made wads of dough touring the US with my husband telling companies that I'm a world expert and they need to follow my methods. The problem is that no-one seems willing to pay my fees stateside any more? Will I be able to sell my "expertise" in Britain for the same ridiculous sums? Surely the Brits aren't so gullible?

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep the questions coming. I'll be answering them when I have time in between stating the bleeding obvious to the employees of the poor trusting fool who pays me.

10:12 AM  
Anonymous Fat lazy twat said...

This is all very well, but in every company there are some people who've been around a long time and still actually care what happens to their employer.
Surely some of them will see me from what I am?
Whilst, with your advice, I can clearly out-manoeuver them in the management game, how do I avoid them taking the infinitely more satisfying route of simply punching my face in?
Your advice so far gives me a good plan for the long, drawn-out, death of the company (whilst still managing to pay my exorbitant rates) but hasn't yet covered how to quickly get rid of the people who can't easily be descredited before they blow my gaff....


11:55 PM  
Anonymous budding Consultant said...

As a would-be Agile consultant guru, I can understand that my presence at a company will inevitably be one of the contributing factors to its downfall.

How do I balance this with the desire to keep just enough life in the company so that I can continue to completely shaft it (in a monetary sense of course)? Push too hard and it will crash and burn. I might even get a phone call telling me to sling my hook!

So how do I acheive that perfect balance whereby I string the company along leaving it with just enough life to pay me?

5:51 AM  
Anonymous Sprog said...

As a junior programmer who's been elevated to the team leader position because I play fantasy role games with the assistant manager, I'm a little worried that the rest of the team won't respect my authority when I tell them what to do (under the guise of "empower the team", of course...).

The question is: Do I try to rapidly develop some management and people skills or do I just rely upon threatening the team with disciplinary action if they disagree with anything I say?

4:40 PM  
Anonymous old boy said...

As an old hand at this software stuff, how do I most effectively oppose any initiative, good or bad, without getting myself fired. I can quote any development fad that I've heard of, and can claim that there's no substitute for real experience. Sadly, my own programming skills are fairly weak, so I need to be able to keep this under wraps too.

6:42 PM  

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