Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Now, I'm a wannabe Agile-muda-scrum-meister, seventh veil, third sudoku, sixth psi. I know how things are. I have literally wrecked more than two different organisations and my theoretical knowledge is going to be used to wreck yours, if you'll let me. I have done all the research I need to do, reading 5 books, and watching seven movies, including Back to the Future, a story of refactoring reality. With the tricks I have learned, I know how to behave to be the most effective. Here are my tricks.

Everything I hear will be processed by my brain in such a way as fits in with my world view. I will tell you back something I've heard about you and you only get to confirm or deny it. I will relay your thoughts up and relay management's thoughts down in such a way as to impose my beliefs on how everything should run. This method is called the sushi method as it leaves everything redolent of fish.

Generally people like to keep peace. If I show fits of anger when faced with even minor disagreement, it will discourage debate on larger issues.

I will speak animatedly on matters which concern me and I will confer a sense of urgency about everything. Coupled with my apparent temper, this will make people want to do things to either appease or avoid me. Either way, they're playing things my way.

As all stories are already distorted by me, there will be some confusion anyway. However, I will try to create more confusion with huge multi-partite explanations of anything I'm trying to stop you doing your way. These explanations will be too big to understand, will involve over-use of the whiteboard, with diagrams that you don't understand, and will, ultimately leave you more confused and unafraid to ask any more questions lest the explanation goes on longer. Alternatively, you'll think you understand but this illusion will fall away once you've left the room, or once you ask for a minor point of clarification which I'll explain in a way to make you feel you understood nothing. I will secretly change everything I've told you immediately after telling you, so that even if you understood it, you'll still not be doing what I now want.

I will act as though I'm a calm, rational and friendly person. I will believe that I am all of these. I will even understand your point of view. However, deep down, everything has to be done my way and I will not admit that, nor make it possible for anyone ever to do that. If possible, I will bring more people into the organisation who naturally do things in a way which sounds like my way. I will create an inner circle with them in, but we'll still not have a consensus on how it's done.

By creating a barrier between the worker and the management/strategy team, I will further a sense of mistrust between groups. I will also know of everything that is going on. This will prevent me ever getting bored as there is no pie which doesn't have my finger in it. I will extend the finger/pie metaphor further by going for a poke in the fridge in the morning. The purpose of interception is to impose myself on everything and avoid there being a critical mass of things I've not had a go at threatening to knock me off my self-created pedestal.

Possessiveness - to keep control, I must ensure that I have the opportunity to do anything and everything that comes up. If I'm stuck with colleagues in the management team I will try to spread myself very thinly across all events so that I can lay a claim to any idea that is good, or any area for which ideas are needed. If possible, I will have a piece of paper, email, or a whiteboard or flipchart drawing to back up any discussion that comes up. As a fallback I will claim to have started thinking about any new areas as soon as they're mentioned. In order to increase my possession of management issues, I will angle to get any colleagues tied up with less-managerial tasks, which I will pass off as temporary help to the team they're working with.

Acting unpleasant or angry whenever provoked will ensure that people learn to leave me alone. Another good trick to increase my harm is to virtually hold my temper in front of the people who are a threat and then have private venting sessions against those people with my cronies and upper management. This level of acidity will enable me to grow, though it may reduce the viability of others.

Where possible, I will deny any of these practices, even while doing them. I will not allow self-awareness or respect for others to hold me back. If faced with complaints that I cannot deny, I will act contrite, but only temporarily.


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