The Wrecking Ball For Agile

Though it is usually the aim of this site to explain how to hook an organisation with the promise of Agile and then create a dependency on you to further develop the illusion, I thought it would be useful to explain how to resist Agile. The aim of this explanation is to warn the Agilist what to expect of those people who can occasionally see the wood for the trees, or who simply don't want to change. If an organisation were made solely of this sort of person, then the Agilist would either have to get everyone sacked, or bring in people who are already cult-members of the Agile world in order to be able to get any sort of foothold, let alone the necessary strangle-hold. Beware of these behaviours.

Avoid change
One good way to undermine your employer's attempts to improve your job is to simply ignore all new ideas. Where possible either don't attend meetings explaining them, feign not understanding the policies, or simply agree to do it, then resent doing it, then forget about doing it and revert back to old behaviours. Do not give anything new a fair crack of the whip.

How to see only bad things in change
The human is designed to be able to adapt to change. We're one of the most adaptable species on the planet. Psychologically, though, we fear change, preferring existing patterns to anything different, whether it is better or not. The best thing to do in order to maintain the status quo is to oppose anything you either don't know, don't understand, or don't yet like. This is an ironic stance to take in the world of technology, but who said that progress had to happen?

Outgroup mentality
It is possible that change will be pioneered in a small pilot group first. The beauty of human psychology is that it's perfectly natural for a group that you're not a member of to seem threatening in some way. You must follow the urge to feel resentment, suspicion, fear and even jealousy about the other group. In order to make yourself feel better about your own status, you must come to believe derogatory things about the other group, whose work you probably know little about. Where possible blow out of proportion the small tidbits of information you have gleaned about the other group's practices, and certain knock down any apparent achievements they report.

The paltry compromise
Where it becomes absolutely unavoidable to make a change to your working practice, agree to some sort of compromise which encapsulates "the letter of the law" but not the spirit. So if, for instance, someone suggests pairing, you should agree that pairing may occur, but that it's not compulsory, that you don't have to do it, and that your own desk doesn't have to be made pair-friendly. On the face of it, you've shown support for the policy, but practically, you don't have to do a thing differently, and the policy will fail, regardless of whether it is any good.

Throwing the toys out of the pram
Where all else fails, you should have a big tantrum. Here are some good tantrum patterns:

• Shout at your team in usually calm setting.
• Bitch with other people on the team and wind yourself up.
• Have a blazing row whenever you can.
• Make appointment after appointment with senior management, explaining why you cannot stomach the change.
• Threaten to sue the company for constructive dismissal.
• Bring everyone you come into contact with down with constant sneering and criticism.
• Find another job and leave.

And you're done
With these ideas you can be the thorn in the side of the Agilistas. Well done. Of course, we all know that empty promises are just that, but were there to be any moves afoot to really improve things, the above methods will resist them just as effectively.