Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Consultancy Challenge

Some valuable questions have been submitted. I will answer them with reference to other articles on this site.

How do I persuade management that there's been gains in productivity when all evidence points to the contrary?
See Keeping your job against the odds/evidence. The mixture of obfuscation of the facts and promotion of the placebo-effect can create illusory progress. This is coupled with jumanji and Sugaring The Pill.

How do I stop myself from being sacked once management realise that I've been pulling the wool over their eyes for a year?
If you know what you're doing, management will never see through you. Remember, you have destroyed the documentation, reduced understanding, enforced weak coupling between upper management, middle management and the team, and strong coupling between management and yourself.

If it looks like you're about to be sacked, then try sepuku, which involves telling the organisation that they'll never be good enough for you and leaving before they push you.

Should I change my name to something that sounds Japanese in order to persuade people that I know what all these Japanese terms actually mean?
I would say not. However, choose an epithet like sensei or pokemon.

The original questioner had chosen the names Tamagotchi Hiroshima. I would recommend against any reference to Hiroshima or Nagasaki as they give away the game that your presence is a high megaton time-bomb. Maybe choose Hirohito, Fuji or possibly Sony. Never besmirch the name of Toyota though, or you will be hunted down. You have been warned.

Will I be able to sell my "expertise" in Britain for the same ridiculous sums as I'm no longer paid stateside? Surely the Brits aren't so gullible?
Provided that you follow the methods outlined in this site while visiting, find a way of offering a placebo-discount, and get a fervent admirer within the company to bring you on-site, you're laughing.

Placebo-discounts work as follows. You agree to reduce your fee because you happen to be in the area, perhaps some toadies have asked you to speak at a conference, or perhaps you've managed to recruit several companies to which you can give placebo-discounts because you're visiting them all.

Once on-site, you need to be fearsome, to suggest you're a hardnosed ball breaker. You also need to take your standard powerpoint presentation and slightly tweak it to make a "customised plan of action" for the company you've bullied into paying you. This plan of action, though written down, will still be mainly folklore and impossible to implement.

Threaten them with a follow-up visit, rather than ask them to be invited back. Brits are too meek to argue strongly enough.

Job done.


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